Day 7

January 11, 2012

I am sorry, I have spent the day crying and am having a very difficult time trying to come up with something to be positive about. I didn't expect to face a challenge like this so quickly after starting this journaling process. I still don't feel like I understand death and dying, I definitely do not understand suicide. There are so many questions and so many regrets, like...I thought about calling on Friday, why didn't I call????? I know I can't dwell on any of those thoughts, there are no answers in regrets but this is so hard for me!


So I think the only positive I can think of today is finding some strength in knowing that this will never happen to me. No matter how low I will ever feel, I know I will never feel like I don't have anyone to turn to or a reason not to go on. I am surrounded by love and I am fully aware of that. I have experienced the challenge that depression brings when it takes every ounce of energy and convincing to get out of bed in the morning, but even during that time, I wasn't afraid to ask for help and was thankful that my friends let me call them to have them make me get out of the house, I was thankful for doctors that didn't judge and were supportive, and thankful for a will that overpowered pride and found a therapist to help me through it all. 


I guess all I can think to find hope in today is in knowing that suicide will never be an option for me. Where do you find peace and hope in a time like this? I'm at a loss right now.