Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Day 7

January 11, 2012

I am sorry, I have spent the day crying and am having a very difficult time trying to come up with something to be positive about. I didn't expect to face a challenge like this so quickly after starting this journaling process. I still don't feel like I understand death and dying, I definitely do not understand suicide. There are so many questions and so many regrets, like...I thought about calling on Friday, why didn't I call????? I know I can't dwell on any of those thoughts, there are no answers in regrets but this is so hard for me!

So I think the only positive I can think of today is finding some strength in knowing that this will never happen to me. No matter how low I will ever feel, I know I will never feel like I don't have anyone to turn to or a reason not to go on. I am surrounded by love and I am fully aware of that. I have experienced the challenge that depression brings when it takes every ounce of energy and convincing to get out of bed in the morning, but even during that time, I wasn't afraid to ask for help and was thankful that my friends let me call them to have them make me get out of the house, I was thankful for doctors that didn't judge and were supportive, and thankful for a will that overpowered pride and found a therapist to help me through it all. 

I guess all I can think to find hope in today is in knowing that suicide will never be an option for me. Where do you find peace and hope in a time like this? I'm at a loss right now.


  1. I am so sorry, Becca. God is working something fierce on you, isn't he? I admire your faith, though, and know (through unfortunante experience) he is shaping you (and likely others affected by this sad event) for something none of us could ever imagine. I look forward to seeing the beauty he pulls from this suicide - working all things for good for those who love h and all that... Big love to you from Austin!

  2. Becca-

    I am so sorry to hear this. It's awful and unfortunate and I can't imagine what it feels like...but your strength is amazing and your outlook on life and the not so good times is so inspiring. Sending you lots of love...