Day 13

January 17, 2012

I had a biopsy today. Scary, especially since I have an irrational fear of doctors and have mild anxiety and cry everytime I am due for an appointment. A few years ago my friend Bonnie suggested that when I have to go to the doctor, I should treat myself to something special. I love that idea! So, my something special became a slice of pie at my favorite local pie shop: Must Be Heaven.

So there are two positives today: I survived my doctor's appointment without having an anxiety attack, and I got to eat pie!! Today I choose Coconut Cream Merringue, and was not disappointed.

Day 12

January 16, 2012

Today is another hard day to write about. The mass and burial for Lisa were today. It's hard to be positive in the midst of so much sorrow. It's hard to hear about death, and be told that we never know the timing, however in this situation, she DID know the timing. I feel like I have already lost the feeling of peace that I found last night! Come back!!!

I am again thankful for friends and family that are living. When Shawn died this summer, my loyal friend Casey drove up in the middle of the night to be with me, I didn't even ask her to. She also came to Shawn's funeral to be there for me. She did the same again today. She had only met Lisa once, yet was here for me today, to drive me, talk with me, and support me in the way only a friend can. 

As we were driving to the burial, I saw a billboard for Wicked. It reminded me of a conversation Lisa and I had just after Thanksgiving. We were going to take her oldest son to see Wicked! I approached D this afternoon and asked if that was something he still wanted to do and assured him that I wouldn't let this stop us from getting to see Wicked. So now I have something to look forward to, and I hope her son will find some happiness in having something fun to look forward to as well.

Speaking of "Wicked" here's an appropriate quote to end the day with:

It well may be,
That we will never meet again,
In this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me,
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine,
By being my friend... 

-"For Good", Wicked 

Day 11

January 15, 2012

Today was a long day. It was one of those days that I just wanted to lay in bed all day and truthfully probably was exhausted enough that I could have. Lisa's viewing and Rosary was today. I was raised Methodist and Episcopalian, so although I appreciate and feel comfortable with the Catholic rituals I am very unfamiliar with a Rosary. My Catholic friends reassured me that I should go and Kani let me borrow her Rosary Beads (blessed by the Pope!) and wrote out what I called a "cheat sheet" telling me what to say! I am very glad that I went. It was a beautiful vigil and the Rosary was very special. The priest had us tie each decade to a memory we held in our hearts of Lisa. 


It was such a special way to remember her, and being in such a focused state of prayer brought me so much peace. I don't think this will ever be easier for me, I will never find understanding in her death, but I am thankful for this evening and the gift of experiencing some peace. I pray that Lisa too has finally found peace.

This verse came to my mind as I was writing tonight:

And here's a poster I found and think is a great reminder:

Day 10

January 14, 2012

I'm an inspirational quote junkie right now. When I can't think of something to be positive about on my own, I find that scripture and inspirational quotes help to snap me out of it and remind me of all I have to be thankful for. So here's my poster for today:

I love this quote because it is so bold and so true. So today I find happiness in recognizing that I have an amazing family. I went to bed absolutely exhausted last night at 9:00pm and slept until my phone rang at 8:00am this morning with a call from my brother. He called to let me know that my family was on their way over. So today my mother, father, brother, sister-in-law, and "surrogate brother"all drove in from Austin (almost 2 hour drive) to spend the day with me. I am so blessed to have a family that is here for me when I need them! We had a great day all together. My british "mum" in true English fashion bought me a tea kettle and a variety of teas (I swear the brits think a good cup of tea cures all!), and my brother and sister-in-law brought me goodies from their recent trip to Disney World! It was so wonderful to have them around for company on a day that I probably would have just spend lounging around in my pjs! 


I have a wonderful and amazing family and I am so happy to be blessed with that gift.

Day 9

January 13, 2012

Friday the 13th!! So today's post is hard...I'm emotionally exhausted, my body aches, my heart hurts, and I don't feel like doing anything and I'm annoyed that I feel this way. I appreciate all the friends that have called to check in on me today, it means so much to me to hear from you, but I just haven't had the energy to talk to anyone. As I'm having a hard time coming up with positive thoughts for the day, I'm stealing from words said to me today by friends and images found on the internet that I found over the summer that serve as good reminders. After all, isn't that what friends are for...to be there for us when we don't have the strength on our own? I'm thankful for all of you in my life!

• "You are amazing and get that mantra in your head!"

• "Positive thoughts. I don't think of that as regression [return of anxiety attacks and feeling sad] but as growth. Life is not perfect and never will be. That's why we love ourselves because of the beautiful people we are. Like you!"

• "You are so positive, I was surprised when I read what happened, you handle things so well and are always so happy and positive at work throughout the day!"

Day 8

January 12, 2012

Today's moment of joy is simple. I work with elementary aged students with Autism and today one of my students said something that made my assistant and I laugh and then put us in a state of giggles for the rest of the afternoon. Can't think of the last time I had the giggles! It was a sweet, happy moment that I am thankful for on this day.

Day 7

January 11, 2012

I am sorry, I have spent the day crying and am having a very difficult time trying to come up with something to be positive about. I didn't expect to face a challenge like this so quickly after starting this journaling process. I still don't feel like I understand death and dying, I definitely do not understand suicide. There are so many questions and so many regrets, like...I thought about calling on Friday, why didn't I call????? I know I can't dwell on any of those thoughts, there are no answers in regrets but this is so hard for me!


So I think the only positive I can think of today is finding some strength in knowing that this will never happen to me. No matter how low I will ever feel, I know I will never feel like I don't have anyone to turn to or a reason not to go on. I am surrounded by love and I am fully aware of that. I have experienced the challenge that depression brings when it takes every ounce of energy and convincing to get out of bed in the morning, but even during that time, I wasn't afraid to ask for help and was thankful that my friends let me call them to have them make me get out of the house, I was thankful for doctors that didn't judge and were supportive, and thankful for a will that overpowered pride and found a therapist to help me through it all. 


I guess all I can think to find hope in today is in knowing that suicide will never be an option for me. Where do you find peace and hope in a time like this? I'm at a loss right now.