Day 11

January 15, 2012

Today was a long day. It was one of those days that I just wanted to lay in bed all day and truthfully probably was exhausted enough that I could have. Lisa's viewing and Rosary was today. I was raised Methodist and Episcopalian, so although I appreciate and feel comfortable with the Catholic rituals I am very unfamiliar with a Rosary. My Catholic friends reassured me that I should go and Kani let me borrow her Rosary Beads (blessed by the Pope!) and wrote out what I called a "cheat sheet" telling me what to say! I am very glad that I went. It was a beautiful vigil and the Rosary was very special. The priest had us tie each decade to a memory we held in our hearts of Lisa. 


It was such a special way to remember her, and being in such a focused state of prayer brought me so much peace. I don't think this will ever be easier for me, I will never find understanding in her death, but I am thankful for this evening and the gift of experiencing some peace. I pray that Lisa too has finally found peace.

This verse came to my mind as I was writing tonight:

And here's a poster I found and think is a great reminder:

Day 10

January 14, 2012

I'm an inspirational quote junkie right now. When I can't think of something to be positive about on my own, I find that scripture and inspirational quotes help to snap me out of it and remind me of all I have to be thankful for. So here's my poster for today:

I love this quote because it is so bold and so true. So today I find happiness in recognizing that I have an amazing family. I went to bed absolutely exhausted last night at 9:00pm and slept until my phone rang at 8:00am this morning with a call from my brother. He called to let me know that my family was on their way over. So today my mother, father, brother, sister-in-law, and "surrogate brother"all drove in from Austin (almost 2 hour drive) to spend the day with me. I am so blessed to have a family that is here for me when I need them! We had a great day all together. My british "mum" in true English fashion bought me a tea kettle and a variety of teas (I swear the brits think a good cup of tea cures all!), and my brother and sister-in-law brought me goodies from their recent trip to Disney World! It was so wonderful to have them around for company on a day that I probably would have just spend lounging around in my pjs! 


I have a wonderful and amazing family and I am so happy to be blessed with that gift.

Day 9

January 13, 2012

Friday the 13th!! So today's post is hard...I'm emotionally exhausted, my body aches, my heart hurts, and I don't feel like doing anything and I'm annoyed that I feel this way. I appreciate all the friends that have called to check in on me today, it means so much to me to hear from you, but I just haven't had the energy to talk to anyone. As I'm having a hard time coming up with positive thoughts for the day, I'm stealing from words said to me today by friends and images found on the internet that I found over the summer that serve as good reminders. After all, isn't that what friends are for...to be there for us when we don't have the strength on our own? I'm thankful for all of you in my life!

• "You are amazing and get that mantra in your head!"

• "Positive thoughts. I don't think of that as regression [return of anxiety attacks and feeling sad] but as growth. Life is not perfect and never will be. That's why we love ourselves because of the beautiful people we are. Like you!"

• "You are so positive, I was surprised when I read what happened, you handle things so well and are always so happy and positive at work throughout the day!"

Day 8

January 12, 2012

Today's moment of joy is simple. I work with elementary aged students with Autism and today one of my students said something that made my assistant and I laugh and then put us in a state of giggles for the rest of the afternoon. Can't think of the last time I had the giggles! It was a sweet, happy moment that I am thankful for on this day.

Day 7

January 11, 2012

I am sorry, I have spent the day crying and am having a very difficult time trying to come up with something to be positive about. I didn't expect to face a challenge like this so quickly after starting this journaling process. I still don't feel like I understand death and dying, I definitely do not understand suicide. There are so many questions and so many regrets, like...I thought about calling on Friday, why didn't I call????? I know I can't dwell on any of those thoughts, there are no answers in regrets but this is so hard for me!


So I think the only positive I can think of today is finding some strength in knowing that this will never happen to me. No matter how low I will ever feel, I know I will never feel like I don't have anyone to turn to or a reason not to go on. I am surrounded by love and I am fully aware of that. I have experienced the challenge that depression brings when it takes every ounce of energy and convincing to get out of bed in the morning, but even during that time, I wasn't afraid to ask for help and was thankful that my friends let me call them to have them make me get out of the house, I was thankful for doctors that didn't judge and were supportive, and thankful for a will that overpowered pride and found a therapist to help me through it all. 


I guess all I can think to find hope in today is in knowing that suicide will never be an option for me. Where do you find peace and hope in a time like this? I'm at a loss right now.

Day 6

January 10, 2012

Today is a lot harder to write about than I thought it was going to be. Today is a perfect example of why I decided to start this daily journal/blog. Two hours ago, I planned on sitting down to write about my second day of bootcamp which was fun, motivating and made me feel really good about myself and my future ambitions to improve my health. I was going to write about what a nice evening I had eating dinner and drinking wine with friends and about how I am becoming comfortable in this town and content with my small circle of friends whose company I enjoy so much. 


I came home two hours ago to upsetting news that my old classroom assistant from my first year teaching committed suicide last night.  Oh how the Lord likes to keep me on my toes. I am so lost, confused and incredibly sad right now. I spent the afternoon with this friend a month ago on the day of my brother's wedding, and I spoke with her over Christmas break as we tried to make plans for lunch together. Why is life so confusing?


But in the midst of all of this, I must remember why I started this journal. I must remember that God has a plan in everything, and even when our days seem sad and gloomy, there was good in that day. This is going to be a much harder challenge than I could have ever imagined.

Day 5

January 9, 2012

Today I realized, Mondays really aren’t that bad when you truly enjoy and are thankful for the people you work with!! I had some upsetting news from my doctor this morning. I am so sensitive about health issues, so when he told me I was going to have to schedule another appointment for some follow-up tests, all I could do was cry, despite him reassuring me everything was OK. In my mind, how are things OK if you are having to do additional tests? I ran to my co-worker’s office where I knew I wouldn’t be mocked for crying but would get a warm hug and earful of reassurance. Just what I needed at that moment. So thankful she is back from vacation!

In addition to falling behind with church, I have gotten out of any kind of exercise routine. A group of co-workers joined a boot camp and I decided to go along. I never thought I would ever say that I am excited about boot camp or working out, but I am! I had such a blast with these ladies and am really looking forward to the accountability and support that we are going to provide each other with our health goals. I am such a lucky girl, I love my job, and I really love the people I get to spend time with at my job. When I stop, open up, and let people in, I realize I am daily surrounded by an amazing support group.